Down the Glow-up Lane

Heartbreaks.

Yes, heartbreaks. They say that people change when they experienced pain — whether a rejection from someone or the feeling of being belittled by others.

And I was one of them. I was.

I never had any problems with my body. I had no problems with the way I look as long as I am happy and comfortable with my self.

Until I fell inlove with someone and got my heart broken.

2015 when I started liking someone. I fell in love with someone who ended up rejecting and making fun of my appearance .

From there, I had a lot of what ifs in my mind. 

What if I am pretty? What if I have a nice body? What if I don't slouch? What if I don't have scars from my allergy? 

What if? 

Would he notice me? Would he like me back? 

My what-ifs became my doubts. I loss self-confidence. I started hating my body. I started having anxieties. I became jealous and kept on comparing myself to others.

"Bakit ang ganda nila? Bakit ang sexy nila? Bakit kapansin-pansin sila?

Bakit ako, ako lang?"

I hated my self for being me and for being less. 

It was too cliche but my glow up story resembles Cinderella's. I had my fairy godmother and she's my sister. 

She tracks whatever I eat, reminds me to drink lots of water to keep me hydrated. She became my workout buddy too. We both invested on skincare products. She's the devil who always says "Bilin mo na yan, ateeeeee! Gaganda ka dyan!" everytime we went to Etude.

Yes, we really got the agenda of making the guy who broke my heart regret from losing me. 

It was tough at first. I continuously get back with the old habits I had before — sleeping late, making excuses to skip my workout and binge eating. I cant stop eating.

Yes, food has been my blissful escape for the past years and I never thought that I'll be stressed out with my eating habits.

I remember myself looking in the mirror— wanting to see a better version of me.

A girl with a body she's happy with. 
A girl with a body that stands proudly.
And a happy eyes staring back at me. 

I failed several times and ended up crying that maybe, I will not change anymore. That maybe, the girl I am will stay forever.

Life is tough and it will make you down in your knees. It will hurt a lot but you have two choices — Stay down or get up. 

Im standing up because I wanted to see me on my better version.

Glow up is a process and it is not an easy journey. You attract what you are, not what you want to be. If you wanted to be better, then be better.

2016 when everyone started noticing the changes I had in my body.

No, I am not really that pretty  but I believe that the girl I am today is much better than the girl I was before.

People started appreciating me. It was like a magic. One day, I woke up with tons of friend requests from people I don't even know who.
I was scared that time, overthinking that maybe I was in a scandal or what but yeah,

This is my greatest wish — To be seen. To be noticed. To be liked. To be loved.

But everything isn't as fine as I want it to be.

I remember a friend and she told me, "Hey, Courtney. You look great!"

And I realized, maybe that's life. Just because people look fine, that doesn't mean that they are really fine. While my life in the outside seems really great, I am struggling inside.

I am unhappy. 

I am already the girl I always wanted to be but why am I miserably sad as if something's missing?

Because I have realized that I was only conforming.

I workout to punish my body for eating.

I starve myself because I don't want to gain weight again.

I drink water because I have to.

And that causes unhappiness — the feeling of doing something you don't actually want to do but you were compeled.

And most importantly, I have learned that,

People's recognition cant fulfill all the missing pieces from the puzzle.

Lord's love and recognition does.

By December 2019, I recognized the Lord's greatness. His incomparable love for us. His standards of beauty.

I started loving my body.
I started appreciating everything that I have.

I am beautiful. I am pretty.
Not only with the outside but with the inside as well.

I stopped comparing my self to others for we are all uniquely beautiful — petite or thick, white or dark, tall or short, curly or straight. 

We are all wonderful and we should not look stars during the daytime. 

I stopped punishing and starving my self and started treating my body right by eating the right food and working out to be more fit and healthy.

I stopped looking at my self with so much of disgust and started looking at my self with so much of love.

There I found happiness. There I found fulfillment.

And from there, I can say that I beautifully glow because the glow from within radiates and makes my outside shine more.

Who would not want it?

I am happy. I am pretty. I am Courtney.

Yes, I am me. 
And this is my glow up journey,
My story.

— ca;