Let go and Let God - Psalm 46:10

2020 is to surely the worst year for me. 

Early this year my Dad passed away because of Covid. You see, I am never an expressive person. I kind of regret not being able to pay him back for everything that he's done for me. I realize late how great of a man he is.  Five years ago, I was diagnosed with Pseudotumor, I had to undergo a brain surgery plus Ia chronic kidney disease stage 5, meaning I have to do dialysis lifetime or a kidney transplant. I thought that would be the end for me. It was difficult. But then, I am still here. I survived. I am surviving. When I lost my dad, I realized that it was all because of him, well maybe not all you know... but he was carrying a big part of my burden for me. I didn't realize that. But when he was gone My goodness the hardship, the heaviness I felt it. It is too much for me to carry. He made it possible for me live well but now he's gone what do I do? People just tell me to just let go and to Let God... I thought to myself, I pray, I do. I talk to God. But how come it still feels like nothing is ever easy, not anymore. More often, I wish for my suffering to end but then the image of my mother pops in to my mind then I will realize how dare I wish something so selfish when others are fighting along with me. my goodness. I know that, I know but sometime I just feel so helpless and I just want to stop feeling. it's tiring, sad and painful . I don't know. But funny thing is that this faith in God I have is keeping me alive. I pray when I feel so down and miraculously it makes me feel better. I therefore conclude that God listens. It's just that I just go to Him in times of despair, which is kind of unfair for him, I know and I'm sorry I am still in the process of strengthening my faith. So you, tell me. What do I do to be consistent? How do I Let go and Let God?